Thursday, July 31, 2008

10(0)1 bunnies

i have a new blog. i am doing 101 things in 1001 days. you should do it, too.

i can't make a link work, and don't want to fool with it right now. so here is the url:

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


over the past months, i have battled a lot of guilt. i have spent a lot of time feeling really shitty about myself and regretting choices i made that hurt other people. i let myself listen to other people who said really hurtful, judgmental things about me, and i believed them.

needless to say, this has been pretty miserable. i have been stuck in the past, reliving what i did, and what i didn't do...wondering what i could have done differently, wishing that i had acted differently...feeling like some how, some way, i have to prove to myself - and to other people - that i really am not a lousy shit, and that i'm not defined by things i do, whether they are good things or bad things.

today i was listening to someone talking about how she's fucked things up pretty bad in the past, and has had a hard time accepting the choices she made. and then she said: "you know what? i did the best i could with what i had, and sometimes that wasn't a whole hell of a lot."

so yeah, i feel shitty about some things that i did. but i believe - i have to believe - that if i could have done better, i would have. that helps me to feel a little compassion for myself. it helps me to see that i am not heartless or sinister, but sometimes i don't have a whole lot to work with. which sucks, but what can you do? other than try?

anne lamott says that being a human is a real stretch for her sometimes, and god, do i agree.

Monday, July 07, 2008

new skill acquired

yesterday i learned how to make crepes. by myself!

i have always been really intimidated by crepe-making. go ahead and scoff, but really, crepes seem so fragile and temperamental to me that i have always felt like if i so much as blinked my eyes too many times while cooking them, they would turn into a disastrous mess.

not so!

and i don't even have a crepe pan! well, not yet. but i might have to get one now, because i am obsessed with crepes, and was really devastated when i had used up all of the batter and had no more crepes to cook. i feel like a door has opened to me, and the culinary possibilities have expanded exponentially. do you know how many things i could put in crepes? and how many sauces i could put on top of crepes? my god. i feel dizzy with the enormity of it.

yesterday, not only did i make crepes, but i made blintzes out of my crepes! blintzes, which i had never eaten (and obviously never made, on account of my unreasonable fear of crepes), are cute little packages of goodness that will single-handedly improve the quality of your life. first you make crepes. then you make a tasty filling. then you put a little oblong pile of tasties into the crepe, and you fold it into a little rectangle, and then you cook it with the tiniest smidge of margarine (or butter i guess, if you're into that kind of thing), and then you have little, perfect, lightly browned packets of wowie!

don't count how many times i said little in the last paragraph. don't do it.

my first blintzes were potato-mushroom blinztes....potatoes mashed up with onions and mushrooms sauteed with caraway seeds. and then i served them with unsweetened applesauce and cashew ricotta i had made the day before. it has been awhile since i have been so satisfied with something that came out of my kitchen.

oh, the leisure of being able to putter around unhurried, cooking whatever i want. i wonder how many crepes i could make before my bank account runs out of money. let's find out.

Sunday, July 06, 2008

hard core unemployment

when dad retired, he told me that it was easy to lose track of what day of the week it was, because there is no longer work to create a distinction between workdays and weekend days.

this, oddly enough, is also true of unemployment. fridays used to be my FAVORITE day because of all the promise of the whole weekend stretched out before me.....and sundays used to inevitably make me the most terrible grouch, because i would feel like surely another weekend would never come, ever ever ever.

and now here it is sunday....which is just like friday.....and wednesday....and monday......

i have not been allowing myself to lay around in my bathrobe eating bonbons. well, only for a few hours a day. i've been working on getting up earlier and earlier so that when i do have a job (and i will! i shall! i must!!) it won't be a horrible adjustment. i'm having trouble getting over the 7:10 hurdle, but i know my persistence will eventually pay off...and before you know it, i'll be getting up at 4:30 am so that i can have the cows milked and the butter churned before the break of dawn.

oh, and i qualified for unemployment! bring on the bonbons!

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

trying to combat discouragement

looking for a job is not all that it's cracked up to be, really. especially while trying to tie up 3 years worth of loose ends at another job, still working for people towards whom i feel a fair amount of resentment.

ok, "a fair amount" is a really big understatement.

but anyways, my almond-quinoa muffins just came out of the oven and i'm hoping they will provide at least momentary distraction from my feelings of panic and insecurity. if not, it's almost time for the hour of $5 martinis at eastland cafe. those are a sure fire bet for distraction from aforementioned feelings.

Monday, June 23, 2008

smothered, covered, and diced.

on account of me being obsessed with food and cooking, yesterday i broke down and purchased the wii game, "cooking mama: cook off."

seeing as how it is considerably cheaper than other wii games, and i have NEVER been able to find it to rent at blockbuster or the like, i think it hasn't been very popular. and i cannot for the life of me understand why.

because i love it.

granted, i did not succeed at making scrambled eggs, pierogies, minestrone, lasagna, or hot dogs (i struggled with stewing, seasoning, and stretching dough, for starters). i did a fine job on the pan-seared lobster, however. my favorite activity is dicing, because you get to pretend like the wii remote is a knife and you are whacking something into little pieces with it. something like a carrot or an onion. so deliciously non-violent! except for the part where i had to slice bacon, and mince meat, which was just gross.

but anyways, after you complete each step of a recipe, you get a little evaluation of the previously completed task. there are three different "grades" you can receive. the highest grade is "very good." when you get "very good," then the little voice says, all asian-sounding: "wonderfur! better than mama!" this strikes me as hilarious, and i don't know that i will ever grow weary of it. the next highest grade is "good," and i don't remember what cooking mama says, but it isn't that interesting. the LOWEST grade is "try harder." when you are told to "try harder," cooking mama says that she will helps you - but she doesn't. AND - sometimes when you get this particular evaluation, the "try harder" evaluation, cooking mama's eyes turn into flames! my dough stretching was so bad it caught cooking mama's eyes on fire! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!


Friday, June 20, 2008


whole months of my life have gone by completely undocumented.

let me see, what has happened since september of last year.

lots of things, can't think of any funny ones right now.

i've been working on my resume, because i got laid off (if you scan back through a few years worth of blog entries, i'm pretty sure there is one from the last time i got laid off. by the same company. one would think i would learn my lesson, wouldn't one? one would be wrong, and would not understand how hard-headed i am). i tried to write my "professional profile" and was thinking about how ridiculous it is to have to write an advertisement for myself.

i think i'm going to start working on composing my lesbianism resume.

lots of cats



references available upon request.

oh and one other thing. i interviewed for a job that i didn't get. they called me back in to tell me i didn't get the job, and why i didn't get the job. i kind of was thinking, prior to this, that usually a potential employer didn't volunteer that information, unless it was requested. or unless they are black-hearted snakes. (i didn't request the information). but one of the qualities they were looking for, that i didn't have, was "strategic thinking skills." translation: you are a dumbie. dumb people can't do this job, dumbie. my self-esteem, it is rockin.