our little shitten

julie and i went to indy to see her family during the first week of january. i had made ALL of the good luck foods for new year's day, including but not limited to a corned beef brisket. i don't want to talk about it, and it is not the topic of this post, so don't get excited. so the fridge was stuffed with food and we were going out of town and it was all going to spoil if it didn't get eaten. enter our lovely and beloved friend, who we will call yon-diddy. his responsibilities during our absence were to make sure that the cats didn't claw each other's eyes out, and to eat every perishable food item in the house (no small task -- fortunately yon-diddy was up for such a formidable challenge).

a few days into our trip, we spoke with yon-diddy to check on his belly and the cats' eyes, and he made some timid murmurings about having something to confess. apparently he was here one day, and without realizing it he locked billie out on the sun porch, and then did not return until nearly two days later. no serious harm was done -- yon-diddy said her eyes looked as if perhpas they were bulging out a little and she made some fairly distressed mews upon her release from sun porch prison, but after a good long session with her food bowl and an equally long session in the pooper she seemed good as new.

until we arrived home some days later. see how long it takes you to discern where this story is headed, if you haven't already.

i was very excited to come home to my lovely nest and most especially to my even lovelier bed. lo about 10:30 on the evening of our return, i decided it was time for my bed and i to join in blissful union. into my jammies i went, pulled back the covers and slipped between the sheets. oh wondrous heaven! but wait! what is that sensation of dampness -- nay, wetness! -- that i feel on my legs? gasp! what is that wretched aroma wafting up to overwhelm my senses with its rancid tendrils of stinky??? HORROR!!! TERROR!!!!!!!!!!

the shitten had peed in the bed. she also left a little note that said: "i hope you bitches learned your lesson. go sleep in the guest bed and spend some time reflecting on how you have scarred my wee impressionable little kitten psyche. next time, i'll pee all over your closet. fuckers. love always, billie."