Sunday, July 30, 2006

the theme for today is:


we seem to be having a recurring problem with the poopy princess making stink happen on the ALL WHITE guest bed.

i know she is sick, and can't help it, and looks miserable like she wants to die, but for christ's sake. on the bed? more than one time?

oh, and plenty of times on the floor. got a little barefooted surprise, yes i did.

i was also exceedingly pleased that she shat on the quilt on our bed, which is dry clean only. because it is so cheap to dry clean a quilt.

and julie had the immense pleasure of mercy wiping her diarrhea covered ass across her jeans.

it doesn't smell that nice in here.


last night julie and i went to see "an inconvenient truth." i feel like i was pretty aware of how humans are managing to completely trash the earth, but this movie was absolutely horrifying. and so, so, so deeply sad.

i have a tendency towards despair when it comes to issues surrounding global warming, deforestation, etc...but one thing about the movie was that at the end, during the credits, they listed a BUNCH of things that individuals can do to help. there are some that i do already, some that i don't do -- and should. like replace all my lightbulbs with those new swirly looking ones. or buy a terrapass ( for my car. and insulate my damn attic which i have been putting off for months now. but i think something that i tend to forget is that i don't have to change everything at once. and it isn't going to make a sizeable impact for me to drastically reduce my energy consumption -- but it will make a sizeable impact if a lot of people make a few changes to reduce their energy consumption. i am not advocating for being apathetic or not doing as much as you can to change your environmental impact, but just do something. to start with. OR, alternately, we could start a commune. a naked one.

to learn more about the movie, and to see all the things you can do, go visit and GO SEE THE MOVIE. seriously. please see it. or we won't be friends. kidding.

Saturday, July 29, 2006

ear infucktion

for the past, oh, week, my ear has been hurting. not constantly...sometimes worse, sometimes not so bad....but thursday night and friday it was obviously worse, and too late to get into my dr. before the weekend.....

so today i went to the walk in clinic. keep in mind, my ear is not really comfortable, but is certainly, easily managable. it kind of felt, and sounded, like there was an ocean in there. dull pain, you know, things you would expect with an ear infection. in comes the dr., yadda yadda pleasantries etc....oh i think what we will do is IRRIGATE your ear. didn't sound particularly fun to ME, right?

me: is that going to hurt?
dr.: no, no, not at ALL.

right. irrigating something on my body? and it not hurting? so she leaves and comes pack with a pressure washer and full body wetsuit for me to put on, and a dish for me to hold under my ear for when the water -- and my brain -- comes gushing out.

dr.: this will feel and sound a little funny, but won't cause any pain. let me know if it is uncomfortable.
me: ok.....
**pressure washing commences**
moments later:
me: that hurts.
dr.: oh, it does? let me look.
**looks in my ear with excavation light**
dr.: it will stop hurting in a minute.
**pressure washing resumes**
me: that still hurts.
me: no, like i mean it REALLY hurts.

so while i sit there in my wetsuit trying not to fall to the floor writhing in agony, she explains that maybe it would be better if she gave me a prescription for some ear drops. REALLY? I WAS HOPING YOU COULD TORTURE ME AGAIN. let me know if this is uncomfortable. right.

me: my ear hurts very much.
dr.: that will let up in a minute.
**moments pass**
dr.: is it feeling any better?
me: no, bitch. it isn't.

off to the pharmacy we go, i grit my teeth and grimace and try to convince myself that i am not actually going to die from this. get the ear drops, get in the car, tilt head to side, insert ear drops. which are reputed to have a pain reliever in them. driving driving driving, ear filled with ear drops, which clearly are just sitting in my ear and not going anywhere. also, pain relief? not experiencing that. and THEN, oh THEN, my fine friends, i learned what it means for your ear to hurt. when i said my ear was hurting before, i had NO IDEA that my ear had the capacity to hurt this bad. julie looks at me with concern, while i silently pray for the world to end so that my ear will not hurt. along about the wedgewood exit, as the pain continues to intensify, i begin to cry. feeling kind of like a five year old, i sob pretty much all the way home.

who gets ear infections, anyways? because i thought once you got past the age of 6 you were pretty much done with all that hocus pocus.

the pain has subsided enough that i don't feel like i'm going to vomit/pass out/die...but it seems that at any moment, KABAM, it will start to hurt again. dr. said to take three ibuprofen every 8 hours to "help with the discomfort." kidding, right? you aren't going to give me a morphine drip for this?

if you have any illegal substances that might alleviate my AGONY, please feel free to send them over to the east sieeeeede.

Thursday, July 27, 2006

you're gonna laugh at me

remember a couple of posts back when i wrote about how i was freaking out because my car smelled like diesel? and i'm poor as shit? and i was assuming i was going to have to put in a new engine?

well it wasn't diesel, it was gasoline. and it wasn't because there was something wrong with my car. it was because i had a tiller in my trunk. imagine that, a gas powered tool that smells like gas. go figure.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

nighttime thrills

i have been told, by a reliable source, that i talk a lot in my sleep. i talk a lot in my awake, too, so i don't see this as any surprise. julie (aka relaible source) usually gets a great kick out of my midnight mumblings. but apparently, my nocturnal habits have taken a turn for the worst.

two nights ago, julie woke me up from a DEAD sleep. the lamp was turned on, and she was looking at me with enormous green eyes as if she had just witnessed some horrendous atrocity, right there in our bedroom.

me (alarmed): what's wrong?!???
julie: i'm scared.
me: what are you scared of?
julie: while you were sleeping, you just reached over and picked up that candle on the bedside table, and then put it back down again.
me: and?
julie: you're scary!!

she wouldn't let me go back to sleep until she got unscared, so i had to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks and pat her bottom until the terror had subsided.

i'm not sure, exactly, why this was scary. did she think i was going to light the candle, and burn her with it? or inflict some kind of blunt trauma to the head? the way that she was acting, you would have thought i had reached over in my sleep and proceeded to clean and load the assault rifle in my bedside table. or sharpen my sword that i keep under my pillow. she couldn't really give me a logical explanation as to why she was so upset....i can only attribute it to the fact that she is a little fragile when she wakes up. and by a little fragile, i mean that when woken in the night, she is pretty much on the very brink of complete emotional collapse.

a little disclaimer: i don't have an assault rifle. or a sword.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

and in case you needed a silly picture

mirror mirror, on the wall, I AM THE FAIREST OF THEM ALL.

camping + thunderstorm = tired

worn out. no funny or original thoughts.

julie is threatening to write a guest post! be on the look out. i think it might be about our neighbors: the baptists. a whole congregation of them.

in the meantime, if you want to buy me something, and i know you do, you can go to the tea subscription will do nicely, thank you.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

fruits of summer

if you haven't been to the farmer's market on 8th, you need to go.

though i feel as if the heat may be causing my brain to melt, i am already dreading the days when summer draws to a close and the produce starts to dwindle.

the peaches right now are so good it is absurd. i can't even count how many pounds of peaches we have eaten so far. i have yet to come across a peach this season that has been anything less than perfection. and when my peaches ripen faster than i can eat them, which is not often, then peach cobbler sets the world right again.

next, lets turn to watermelon. watermelons are a little more of a gamble than peaches, but well worth it. i can't think of a single thing in the world that is more satisfying on an oppressively hot night than cold watermelon. sometimes i eat too much watermelon and it makes me feel bloated and i fear that i will wet the bed.

canteloupe is a close runner up for favorite melon. watermelon is a better night fruit, canteloupe, i find, is better for the morning.

TOMATOES. hang on while my eyes roll back in my head and i groan with pleasure. a couple weeks ago i found these little itty bitty wee tiny ORANGE heirloom tomatoes at the farmer's market that are the new rockstars in my salad bowl. the neighbors also have several varieties of tomatoes which they have been sharing....there are these reeeeeeally ugly pink tomatoes they are growing that are HEAVEN. the insides are so red it looks like somebody took some red dye 40 to them. made some fresh salsa tonight. if you haven't taken the seeds out of a fresh tomato by squishing your fingers in it, your life hasn't started yet.

next i will be introducing the love of my life, peaches and cream corn. julie insists that i can get worms from eating it raw, but i don't believe her at all. i think that it is a sin to boil corn for any longer than 2 minutes.

green beans have been frequenting the table....often alongside wee tiny new potatoes. but i like to cook green beans and new potatoes for a looooong time and when the stove is on for very long the kitchen can be used as a sauna. same situation with fresh black eyed peas....need to simmer long time, could salt them sufficiently with the sweat from my brow.

let's see what else.......oh BASIL. also growing in the neighbor's yard. by the bushel. also growing in my garden. not by the bushel. got a little bit of a late start, so our bushes are not so bushy yet, but i have bright hopes for the future. how many pounds of pesto do you think i can fit in my freezer? and do you think it will be enough to last me until next summer?

let me also mention that at the farmer's market i can buy, literally, more produce than i can carry on my own, for less than $20. it is absolutely worth going out of your way. DON'T BUY YOUR PRODUCE FROM THE GROCERY STORE. if you really want to see the best of the best, go fairly early on a saturday morning. it is an experience that is not to be missed.

Monday, July 17, 2006

new job, and also story about how abusive julie is

my new job title is "aftercare case manager." this means that when women leave the shelter, if they have safe/permanent housing and employment, they get to play with me. or really, i get to play with them. for six months. at their houses. today i had a session with a lady who is already in the program and who i will be meeting with once the current aftercare case manager leaves. last year this client's batterer pushed her off of a third story balcony. she finally decided to leave him when he tracked her down in another city hundreds of miles away. on christmas eve. and tried to shoot her in the head. but the gun misfired. heavy. shit.

maybe i shouldn't complain so much. julie only sometimes threatens to kill me but has never wielded any weapons against me. she isn't particularly violent. except this weekend she got mad at mercy and meant to push her so that she would get off the couch, but in her blind rage she didn't so much push her gently off the couch as fling her little five pound body across the room. mercy looked like she might cry, and julie actually did cry. when mercy gets sad, her eyes get so big she looks like a precious moments doll. her eyes also look like that when she is being manipulative.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

oh yeah and one more thing:

i'm employed now.

nieces sleep over, episode 2

i think it was about 45 seconds after my oldest niece, makinzie, age 8, walked in the door, that she asked (pointing to mine and julie's love nest): "who sleeps in that bed?" i replied (to my sister's horror): "julie and i do." silence.

the only time i had any kind of serious heart palpitations was when jadelyn (younger niece, age 4) started an expedition into our bed side table. which i should have thought to put a child lock/DEADBOLT on before she arrived. i am NOT going to be the one to teach her, well at this age anyway, about sex toys. of any kind. she is going to have to be at LEAST 10 before we have the dildo conversation. kidding, guys. only kidding. maybe 12.

my big triumph for the weekend was when i had both of them drinking soy milk WITHOUT EITHER OF THEM REALIZING IT. i will triumph over the dairy demon, i will! next time i'm going to mash some tofu up into jadelyn's sippie cup.

jadelyn is having her tonsils removed on tuesday, which is a good thing because i was kind of concerned she was going to suffocate in her sleep last night. her adenoids must be bigger than my face, and clearly all of those unnecessary organs are blocking her oxygen flow because she GASPS for air between every sentence she speaks. she is wee-tiny extra small (julie's nephew just turned 1, and he weighs 2 pounds less than jadelyn who, let me repeat, is 4). the reason that she is tiny and looks about the size of the disney cartoon version of tinkerbell is because she burns so many calories at night trying to BREATHE. i may have stumbled on a brilliant weight loss strategy: obstruct your oxygen flow at night! watch the pounds melt away! i've heard people say that they panic sometimes because they can't tell if their sleeping kid is breathing or not, this would not be an issue with jadelyn. it's a good thing we have new storm windows because she snores loud enough that they might otherwise rattle out of their frames. it will be amazing to watch her gain weight once she can breathe....i bet she will expand like that blueberry girl in willy wonka.

i like to play mommy, but never for more than 18 hours. my weary soul just can't take the strain.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

new problem.

yesterday when i got in my car, i was overwhelmed with the smell of diesel fumes. i don't mean that i just got faint whiff, i mean that it smelled like somebody poured diesel all over my front seats. i have this sneaking suspicion that this could be more than a little minor car trouble.

let's review morgan and julie's finances.

morgan: unemployed.
purchases since morgan has been unemployed: new refrigerator. new tires for julie's car. new laptop.

did you want to come balance my checkbook? because i don't.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006


it smells like dog poop in the house but i can't figure out where it is coming from. i know for sure it has to be somewhere, because i haven't seen mercy shit since this morning, which was a long time ago when you are mercy's large intestines, which are really small intestines because she only weighs 5 pounds.

and in case you want to keep track: no, mercy is not housetrained yet. is she close to being housetrained? no not really. how long has she gone without an accident? about a day. how old is she? nearing 7 months. how many more milligrams of wellbutrin can i take in a day? that remains to be seen. it is a good thing that mercy and i aren't related by blood, because if my own children have this much difficulty learning to poop in the pot i am going to feel like i passed on some shit-ass (pun intended) genes.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

new toys

its funny (well not funny, but bad) -- the less income i have, the more money i spend.

last weekend: refrigerator. this weekend: macbook.

my new computer makes me kind of wet, thats how good it is. how i ever lived without it, i'm not sure. pc? what? i've never heard of such a thing. the 2 finger scroll, my god.

julie and i amused ourselves for -- oh, about an hour -- with photo booth.

julie is like sponge bob square pants except square head.

and i, actually, just got a new hair do today.

stay tuned, i might post pop art pictures of our boobs tomorrow.

these are my confessions

i think that i may have joined an online cleaning cult. i don't know if i'm ready to reveal the exact nature of this cult, but it is pretty much great. i was already a little bit fanatical about cleaning, and now i have found the ultimate way to feed this addiction. and i know that you all (whoever you is) would never stop making fun of me if i gave you details about this new part of my life. and i will admit that i am not exactly the target audience for this particular program, which is more directed towards heterosexual soccer moms.

but here is a hint.

i shine my sink.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

income option number one

i was thinking that stripping would be a good way to bridge this little financial gap between me losing my job and, um, well, me losing my job.

i do not, however, want to shoot ping pong balls or fountains of water out of my hoo-ha.

i only see two potential complications. the first is that i think most strippers have long ass fake nails. i do not have those. and i could get fake ones, but there is a pretty compelling reason why your average lesbian does not have long nails.

the second is that i think most strippers wear really high high heels. i do not walk in high heels. they make my feet and my legs hurt too much, and life is too short to totter around and risk breaking yourself because of teetering shoes. i mostly just walk in birkenstocks, and i don't know how well that would go over with the lunchtime business crowd. i guess i could be crunchy granola stripper girl. one of a kind.

i'm going to start practicing my pole tricks. as soon as i get a pole. installed in the kitchen.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

new family member

so last thursday i lost my job.

on friday, right before i started to iron my own face to distract myself from my financial woes, i discovered that the inside of the refrigirator was about as cold as the inside of my car. god knows that what i really wanted to do immediately after losing my job was to buy a new major appliance. because we have soooo much extra money sitting around in the bank right now, and i don't have my first mortgage payment due or anything. off to lowe's we go -- luckily just last week i gave them the rights to my firstborn child in exchange for discounted home improvement wares.

our new refrigirator, she is big. and pretty. and our new refrigirator, she was expensive. in the neighborhood of, oh, the pay i take home in a month. well, the pay i used to take home in a month, back when i was gainfully employed. but by god, she is cold! there is a little digital read out on the front that tells me what the actual temperature is in the refrigirator AND the freezer. so yesterday i sat in front of her after the lowe's men installed her, and watched the temperature drop. thankfully, all the food in my freezer had to be thrown away. what better time to throw away food?! thats what i said. and i may not have any food to eat, but i'll be damned if i don't have cold, filtered water and crushed ice right at my fingertips! huzzah!