Tuesday, August 14, 2007

thievery is stupider than shit

so awhile back, back when i was utterly incapable of coping with things like wiping my own ass, we had a little "incident" over at the flip house.

which is located in the HOOD. like not really in a transitional neighborhood so much. straight up, d-d-d-dirty style, domestic disturbance, crack head on the corner HOOD. whenever we tell people what street the house is on, if they are at all familiar with nashville, they consistently respond: "WOWEE. you are stupid. i just went there last week to buy crack."


so anyways, i get a call one morning from julie, who has gone over to the flip house. i think i was in the middle of gnashing my teeth. she says: "somebody stole the bottom half of the bathroom window."


the new window that we just put in? the bottom half of it? WHY WOULD ANYBODY DO THAT? ITS NOT LIKE YOU CAN TAKE IT TO YOUR CRACK DEALER AND TRADE IT FOR A ROCK. the bottom half of a new window is totally worthless to anybody except the person who owns the top half of the window. which, in this case, is me.

after further investigation, we found that the awesome person/persons who stole the bottom half of the window also stole anything in the house that could fit through the bathroom window and that could also be pawned without creating much suspicion. like a ladder. my dad's tiller (I LOVE WHEN I BORROW THINGS FROM PEOPLE AND THEN THEY GET STOLEN). a tile saw. etcetera, etcetera.

i probably should just cut and copy this post into the listing for the house (which goes on the house TOMORROW TOMORROW TOMORROW), because obviously it will be a big selling point if people know that all of their pawnable shit will probably be stolen promptly after they move in.

i'm working on setting up booby traps. and if somebody steals the window boxes (which are cute as CRAP) that are bolted to the house, i'm just going to start standing guard outside the house, 24 hours a day, with mercy at my side and my semi-automatic in hand. because anybody who knows what is good for them would NOT fuck with my ferocious hound. holla.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

because we are shut-ins

and she says, after only 4 hours of laying on the air mattress in the living room floor watching movies:

"do you think we're developing bed sores yet?"