over the past months, i have battled a lot of guilt. i have spent a lot of time feeling really shitty about myself and regretting choices i made that hurt other people. i let myself listen to other people who said really hurtful, judgmental things about me, and i believed them.
needless to say, this has been pretty miserable. i have been stuck in the past, reliving what i did, and what i didn't do...wondering what i could have done differently, wishing that i had acted differently...feeling like some how, some way, i have to prove to myself - and to other people - that i really am not a lousy shit, and that i'm not defined by things i do, whether they are good things or bad things.
today i was listening to someone talking about how she's fucked things up pretty bad in the past, and has had a hard time accepting the choices she made. and then she said: "you know what? i did the best i could with what i had, and sometimes that wasn't a whole hell of a lot."
so yeah, i feel shitty about some things that i did. but i believe - i have to believe - that if i could have done better, i would have. that helps me to feel a little compassion for myself. it helps me to see that i am not heartless or sinister, but sometimes i don't have a whole lot to work with. which sucks, but what can you do? other than try?
anne lamott says that being a human is a real stretch for her sometimes, and god, do i agree.