and we're off!

first order of business today, get emissions test and then get tags renewed. because they expire tomorrow. went to the testing station. failed the emissions test. because my check engine light is on. and i have to have proof that the repairs have been completed before they will pass me. naturally, this sent me into a tailspin that ends in hysterical sobbing (AFTER i leave the emissions place) -- clearly, a very reasonable and appropriate response to such a situation. right.

so i decide to change my next order of business, and instead of completing another task on my to-do list, i call the vanderbilt counseling center in complete desperation. because it is becoming increasingly clear to me and everyone else in my life that i am growing less and less able to cope with every day tasks. the lady who answered the phone was completely baffled, clearly, though i'm not sure what she was having a hard time with. that i am a full-time student? that i was a full-time student for the past 2 semesters, and will continue to be a full-time student in the fall? that i want to schedule an appointment? it confused her enough that she needed to take down my number so she can call me back. with any luck, SHE will be my therapist.

i have a session with a client in 50 minutes. i am lying in my bed with the curtains drawn, unshowered and not wearing work attire. let's all take bets on whether or not i can pull my shit together.

not really very ok

i keep going to bed, and thinking that the next day i will wake up and things will be better, and i will feel better, and i will do better and be better and be ok. it keeps not happening.

it is not an amazing sensation when you begin to realize that your antidepressants, they aren't working. i don't feel amazing. i try to hide under my little shell of cynical humor and sarcasm, and that isn't working anymore either.

none of it is working anymore.

proving that we share genetic similarities

let me preface this by explaining that the little real estate adventure that i like to call my own personal hell has gone a bit over budget. i'm not going to elaborate on what i mean by "a bit," because a few thousand dollars ago i just stopped running the quicken report that tells me how much money has been spent, year to date, on my own personal hell. sooo anyways, i've been pulling money from all corners of the earth (just a side note: my bank put a 5 day hold on a check from WACHOVIA, because it was out of state. because obviously, wachovia writes a lot of hot checks, and is not a reputable institution). last thursday night, i'm on the phone with acme daddy, to ensure that some of the money from the ends of the earth got put into the account from which i write lots of checks...like for instance the ones on friday mornings that pay people. here is the conversation between acme daddy and me:

me: i will look and be sure that deposit went through tonight, because if it didn't i'm going to be up the creek. i guess i'll just have to go sell my body.
dad: well, if you can make $4k in one night.....
me: yes?
dad: maybe you should flip tricks instead of houses.

honestly, he is probably right. it's very likely that i would be better at tricking. at least i know more about it.

bounty

noticed that i've had a lot of grumpy posts lately. maybe i should steer clear of talking. here is one day's worth of cucumber harvest from the garden.


i recently discovered that the cucumber vine has taken over the little picket fence that divides our yard from the neighbors' yard, and there are cucumbers growing willy-nilly all over the place. vegetables, a-hoy!

hate and discontent

this week has been awful. i haven't blogged, because i would only blog about how shitty and miserable i feel about everything.

it is now saturday night, at 7:30. i am at work. i will be here until 11.

i just finished registering for traffic school online, because i got a speeding ticket. because i was under the impression, silly ole me, that the speed limit on the particular part of the interstate that i happened to be driving on was 70. oh, officer, its actually 55? and i was going 72? THAT'S AMAZING.

i've been to traffic school before. 4 hours in the evening, no biggie, right? so i register online, and i find that i am the lucky qualifier for EIGHT GODDAMN HOURS OF DEFENSIVE DRIVING SCHOOL. which equals either a tuesday AND thursday night from 5:30-9:30, or a SATURDAY from 9-5. and see, on tuesdays, because i love my life so much, i work second shift, from 3pm-11pm. thus making it not possible for me to go to driving school on tuesday night. so instead, i will spend an entire saturday learning about how the road is most slippery RIGHT AFTER it starts to rain.

ok, i can't write any more, because i have to go feel sorry for myself now. and play social worker. maybe when i get off work tonight, i'll get drunk. i hear that self-medicating with a depressant is AWESOMELY effective.

crabby patty

working on the 4th of july puts me in the *best* mood you can even imagine. i'm posting from the hub of all dreariness and discontent, and i will try not to explode my grouchiness all over your face.

in other news, i learned this weekend that julie comes by her kleptomania honestly. one of her family members, whose identity i will not disclose, "accidentally" forgot to pay for a few items in the ole cart -- items that were obscured from the view of the cashier by a strategically placed oversize box. one of the items was a box of pink and purple golf balls, purchased for a certain 7 year old child in julie's family. these were charity golf balls, and a portion of the proceeds (when there are actually proceeds from people paying for the item) are donated to the breast cancer something or another. breast cancer. charity golf balls. STOLEN. julie and i can reserve a cozy little room right next door to us in the 2nd circle of hell, BECAUSE WE WILL SURELY HAVE NEIGHBORS. THAT STEAL BREAST CANCER GOLF BALLS. TO GIVE AS GIFTS TO SMALL CHILDREN.

let's see what else.

i cooked boneless beef short ribs. i marinated them in molasses glaze and my own throw-up.

happy independence day!